Cracked.com

     So, last night I was having the best sleep of my life when I was suddenly woken up by what was the worse toothache of my life. It felt like someone was literally taking little tiny needles and stabbing my gums. It was positively awful! So, I did what any normal human being would do. I went down stairs; downed four shots of Irish whiskey, and two shots of Mexico's finest tequila for good measure; rubbed some orajel on my gums, and grabbed my IPAD.

     I love my IPAD more than most people love their children. I don't like children, and I will be the first person to tell you so when your kid won't stop crying because apparently you dropped him in a vat of battery acid, and left him in there too long. Children are like that one friend you have that you hate going out with because they always end up getting completely wasted at 5pm on a Tuesday leaving you to clean up all sorts of unhygienic messes. No thank you! You can keep your vomit stained shirts and shit/pissed stained pants. I'm all good. Now, where was I... Oh, yes my IPAD!

     My IPAD is officially the greatest piece of superior technology I have ever had the privilege of owning. I love my IPAD, and I don't care who knows it! It is great! It is small enough to carry in my purse, user friendly, and ten times smarter than me. If it could only make me dinner and give me foot massages I'd marry it. What's not to love?

     Anyway, last night when I was half in the bag ,and suffering from the worst toothache of my existence I decided to play around with my IPAD, and that is when I came across cracked.com. It is like crack for nerds, and the articles and videos are--excuse my French--fucking hilarious! I first came across cracked.com when I was rummaging around Digg.com for something entertaining. And then jackpot!...I came across an article named "17 images that will ruin your childhood." I remember thinking well, what the hell? What else am I going to do at 3 am? And that is the article that started it all. Three hours later I was half way through an article titled "If Awesome Lunatics Ran Airlines" when I realized crack.com was like crack. It stole 3 hours of my precious sleep, and it was well worth it. I spent 3 hours lost in article after article that made me burst out laughing like some crazed lunatic in the dark of night, but I am not ashamed. Those articles deserved my laughter!

     Anyway, to sum up my evening. I fell asleep, woke up because I was being stabbed by hundreds of tiny germ-sized ninjas with pitchforks, got a little tipsy, and laughed uncontrollably like a crazy person until the wee hours of the morn. All in all it was a great night minus the tooth pain.

      So, in closing I hope my randomness and objection to pint-sized drunk toddlers hasn't soured your opinion of me. I really am quite normal most of the time at least. Until next time...keep it classy internet.


P.S. Check out cracked.com you will love it! Guaranteed!

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes

              Have you ever had an epiphany that required major life changes? Have you ever woken up one day and decided something needs to change or death by sameness may be imminent ? Have you ever been stuck in rut? Well I have!

                I have been so unhappy with the way my life is headed lately. I feel like every day is the same. I wake up, eat breakfast, have a quick panic attack, go to work(at a job that literally makes me want to stab myself in the neck repeatedly with a very dull  butter knife), have another panic attack, eat lunch, go back to work, come home, de-stress, cook dinner, and go to bed (all so I can relive the horror all over again tomorrow). I hate it, and I am determined to change it! Starting with my job.

                 I hate to say it, but I need a new job. It is stressing me out, and I can't take stress, and  I especially cannot take people yelling at me all day. I have never handled stress very well, and I don't plan on finding a way to deal with it, and allowing stress to incorporate itself in to my life. I just can't do it. So, I'm making finding a new job my first order of business.

                 My second order of business is finding more time for writing. I love writing. I wish I could write for a living. I would love to stay at home, and write my novels at my very own desk dressed in my very best comfy pj's where my only problem would be figuring out what story to start writing first. I want that life, I wouldn't say that I would be willing and or prepared to kill for that life, but I may be willing to do just about everything but.

                I need a change, and I know Rome wasn't built in a day, so, I am staring small. Well, somewhat small. Finding a new job that doesn't stress me out in this economy is going to be (please do forgive my Japanese) a bitch-e-oto, but I have drive, and I am up for the challenge.

                As for the increase in writing. I am definitely making that a priority starting right now with this post. Normally, when I think of writing a blog I think of this long horrible daunting task. But, it doesn't have to be and I realize that now. I feel like when I write a blog it has to be structured with a beginning, a  middle, and an end. It takes time, planning and  plotting.  It's horrible, and I don't have time for that shit. I have a job that is trying to kill me via stress.

                I've been thinking about this blog quite a bit recently, and I've decided that I don't need structure, I don't need planning and I sure as hell don't need plotting. I just need a computer with a semi-clean keyboard and a thought. I  have always preferred a stream of consciousness to structure and order. So, this is me saying fuck structure! Fuck order! Fuck censoring myself! And sure as hell fuck tradition! I have never been very traditional and neither has my writing. So, get ready internet for what I can only describe as chaos, and a heck of a lot of randomness. Prepare yourself for the rude, the crude and the uncensored. I have always censored what I wrote so that I didn't come off like I was inept and crazy. But, I am crazy, and I am tired of changing everything so that I don't offend. So, this is me giving fair warning. Be prepared to be offended and definitely be prepared for more blogging.